Aspie Girl ♥

So it's true... I am the WORST blogger ever! Every week I think 'ooh I really MUST post a blog' but it never happens. When I got back from Malta (over two months ago now...) I was determined to write a big post showcasing some of the snaps I took during my trip, but it never happened. And now it's been so long since I was there, i'm not sure if there's even any point in doing a blog about it?! Is there? I did take some pretty lush photos so if you'd like to see them...

Anyway, April is Autism Awareness Month, so I thought i'd take some time to talk a little about my own experience with Autism. This is probably going to get quite deep at times so if you're not interested, just close the page now, I won't mind. Oh and i'll probably ramble on quite a bit as well.

I'm at a point in my life where most, if not all of my close friends and family are aware of my diagnosis. They all accepted it pretty well, acknowledging the fact that it doesn't change a thing and that i'm still very much 'me'. But in recent weeks, a few old faces from my schooldays have popped up and i've been torn over whether or not to tell them about it. When you haven't seen someone in years and they ask you what you've been up to, it seems a bit weird to just blurt out 'oh by the way, it turns out i'm Autistic!'. So I simply haven't said anything about it.

I only found out that I even had Autism last August when I was officially diagnosed with High Functioning Autism aka Aspergers, it's been almost 6 months since then and i'm still learning what it means to be Autistic. If you missed my post about it last year you can read it HERE.

dressed in Blue for Autism Awareness Day on April 2nd

Recently I started volunteering at the Family Library in Douglas (where I worked for 8 months between 2013-2014) on Wednesday afternoons. I spend most of my time there processing new books to go out on the shelves, including many from the brand new section of books dedicated to Autism.

Going through the piles of books, I was impressed by just how many there are readily available on the subject of Autism and its many varying areas of interest. I scanned in books about dealing with daily life, teaching children with autism about puberty, books on dating advice for women with aspergers (I should probably borrow that one...) and even picture books designed especially for young children on the spectrum.

It really got me thinking about what i've already learned, and what I still don't know about in regards to my own diagnosis. Most days my experience of living with autism is pretty much non-existent, in the sense that I don't even notice a difference. Most of the time I function well enough to pass as 'normal'. I'm fortunate that i've developed a good ability to 'read' other people, I think this helps me to blend in more and not seem too 'weird' when I talk to people. But then some days it becomes blatantly obvious that i'm not as good at dealing with certain situations as most 'normal' people. I know, I know, there's no such thing as 'normal' but in this sense 'normal' simply means a neurotypical person, aka someone not on the spectrum or not dealing with a form of abnormal psychology (personality disorders etc).

When i'm out and about I can 'play the part' fairly well, if you passed me in the street you probably wouldn't give me a second glance or suspect that I was 'different', but that's only because i'm a good actress. If you know me well then you're probably aware that i'm not great at dealing with things that I really don't like. It's not as easy for me to shrug things off or pretend that everything is fine when i'm falling apart inside. Sure I can pretend and play the part, but sometimes the mask slips and the real me is left standing there shaking and trying to remain calm. That's often what it feels like, wearing a mask every day and playing a part in a play.

my kind of mask...

You see the thing is, I don't go out very often. I leave the house maybe 4 times a week tops, usually for swimming on a Monday, volunteering at the library on a Wednesday, visiting my god-daughter, her sister and their mum on a Thursday, and then teaching a craft workshop at the library on a Saturday or seeing my friends in Town. Other than that I occasionally go to the cinema in the week or for walks at the weekend, but most of the time that's it, that's how many times I leave the house and it's never for more than a few hours.

It might seem odd to you, i'm sure you leave the house so many times a week you don't really keep track; for work, errands or social activities. The truth is, if i'm 'forced' to go out more than this for whatever reason, it often drastically affects my mood and energy levels. It will probably sound extreme, but if I have to go out for more than 2 days in a row, i'm a wreck. By the 3rd day, i'll be so tired and irritable that there's probably not much point in me leaving my room let alone going out and 'doing things'.

When i'm at home it's not even an issue, i'm just 'Jade', my parents are used to my particular peculiarities and foibles. Most of the time i'm too busy to think about whether or not I should be going out more or being sociable. I work every day from home, in my 'corner office' (in reality a corner of my bedroom next to a window with 3 desks piled with materials, paint and envelopes). Running my online business is a full time occupation; everyday I have orders to pack, commissions to work on, emails to respond to as well as the constant ongoing promotion of my work online and overseeing the manufacture and launch of brand new products. When i'm at home I get a lot done, because i'm left to my own devices, I can spend the entire day in my room listening to opera while I work on my 'brand'.

a standard to-do list while i'm working from home

As long as i'm at home it doesn't matter that I hardly ever go out or see other people. To be perfectly honest, it doesn't usually bother me, after all it's completely 'normal' to me, but sometimes I stop and think, 'why am I like this? Why can't I go out everyday like everyone else?'. Most people work full time, they're out every day working 9-5, then they might go to the gym afterwards, or out for dinner/drinks in the evening, they could have children to take care of, ultimately they might spend every minute of the day in the company of other people. This seems like an impossible scenario for me. If I spend too much time around other people, even people I love, it completely drains me. Even one full day out of the house is a trial, even if it's for something good like a wedding or party, by the time I get home i'll be exhausted and will probably require the following day in to recharge, by myself of course.

Any form of long-distance travel really takes it out of me, to the point where I need almost a full day to recover. And I don't just mean long-haul flights (which to be fair, take it out of everyone) even a few hours flying to somewhere in Europe or a 3 hour boat journey to the UK will tire me out, i'm like a toddler! I truly envy people who can wake up, get on a plane or boat to travel somewhere, then arrive and just go straight to a meeting or event. I probably couldn't do this, which certainly puts an end to my dreams of being a jet setter, traveling the world and having adventures. My version would be more like traveling the world and sleeping a lot.

I don't deliberately avoid any and all events that I know will be tiring for me, i'll assess the situation and if I think it's worth the exhaustion afterwards, then i'll make an effort and push myself to go. You're probably thinking that I sound rather selfish, but it's difficult to explain unless you've experienced it yourself. Contrary to misconceptions about people with Aspergers, i'm not emotionally 'dead' or unfeeling, and even if I really don't want to do something or go somewhere, most of the time I will, because I know that it's important to someone else (for example, a birthday night out or a christening).

spending time with my cousin Sienna, always fun

I used to think this was just a general 'introvert' thing but i'm wondering now if my method of 'avoiding most social situations because I find them draining' is more of an Aspie thing. From what i've read, most people with aspergers feel the same way I do, it's not that we hate social events, it's just that they can be really, really tiring for us. On the contrary, I love seeing my friends, visiting my family or even on occasion, meeting new people. But during these situations I have to concentrate hard to make sense of the social cues and constantly pay close attention to make sure I don't accidentally come out with something too inappropriate during a conversation.

It's not that I don't have a verbal filter, it's just that sometimes I don't realise that what i've said out loud might not be ideal or appropriate until after it's too late, unless i'm making a serious conscious effort to censor or double check myself. Imagine carefully thinking through every word before you say it. You might think before you speak but an aspie will think, double check, alter, rewrite, verify then cancel and probably just not say anything. And like I mentioned already, after a few hours, it can be utterly exhausting.

This is the area where I struggle most to be 'normal'. Most of the time I can pretend, I can slap on a smile and say the things I know i'm 'supposed' to say, but I cannot train myself to 'snap out of it' and just magically transform into a social butterfly. I'll be a socially awkward caterpillar forever, and you know what, i'm perfectly fine with that. I just wish that sometimes it wasn't such a trial to get through a normal day out of the house.

advice we should all take

I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's just part of who I am, I can't change it, and all the acting lessons in the world won't make me any better equipped to deal with day to day life and dreaded 'small talk' (seriously, to a person with aspergers, small talk is the WORST!).

Since I was diagnosed some people have asked me if being autistic is really as much of a disability as they've been told. First of all, not all types of autism = disabled. While it's true that some levels of the spectrum leave a person non-verbal and low functioning, for some of us it's more of an asset than a hindrance. I owe my lifelong love of books to my aspergers, i'm truly never happier than when I have a new book to read and I don't have to do anything for hours except sit and read it. It has also given me a bafflingly accurate memory for song lyrics, lifelong obsessions with Classical Mythology, Architecture and Art History and the perfectionism to create superflat paintings that apparently look like they've been printed instead of painted. It's made me grow into a bit of a polymath, I am quite literally full of useless skills and oodles of information, I'm definitely the sort of person you want on your team at a Pub Quiz!

I'm also fairly used to making a fool of myself in public, which is ironic for someone who received treatment and medication for social anxiety. I blame the aspergers for this but I've often found that I worry and panic over the most trivial of things (oh no i've been walking around with mascara under my eye WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK!!!) but when faced with something hugely embarrassing (tripping over and falling flat on my face in front of 500 people at my graduation ceremony) I just brush it off as no big deal. Honestly I still laugh now thinking back to my graduation, and that's just one of many similar situations where i've embarrassed myself on a grand scale.

almost always unafraid to look like a prat in public...

I think it's made me a little more willing to be silly in public. I'm very much the sort of person to start dancing in a shop if a song I like comes on, I also get incredibly excited if I see people dressed up as characters wandering about (I was jumping up and down at the opening night of Star Wars when I spotted Darth Vader, Kylo Ren, Jawas and Stormtroopers outside the cinema!). I'm the person that ends up sitting at the kids table at weddings and parties, busy colouring in or blowing bubbles with the children. I've always been a big kid at heart and I think now I know why.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing, personally I quite like being the daft one in my friend group, the one that knows all the words to a Disney song or the names of all the characters in a cartoon show. It doesn't bother me in the slightest, but society tells me that I should 'grow up' and become a responsible adult. Being a 'grown-up' doesn't appeal to me in the slightest but on some level I know that my current lifestyle choices probably aren't viable in the long-term.

I worry about my future, as a young woman with aspergers and just as a young woman in general. I panic that I'll never be self sufficient or responsible enough to take full care of myself. Right now I'm back living with my parents after a very unsuccessful 18 months living in a flat-share in town that only ended when my flatmate found me cowering in the hallway with a bloody knife in my hand and cuts on my arms (self-harm is just another aspect of my aspergers that i've been coming to terms with). I absolutely love living at home, i'm in such a better place now mentally than I was, i'm happier and busier than ever with my business. But I'll be 25 next month and I know, deep down, that I should be looking for stable income and my own place to live, regardless of my aspergers. Instead I often spend the money I earn on stupid toys for my desk (inflatable flamingo cup holder anyone!?) or on silly rides and games at the funfair. I also like to spoil family members with gifts and treats, so it's not all bad.

acting like a Big Kid with my two nieces, wasting my money at the fair

The thing is, I don't want a job. That is, I don't want to work for someone else. I like being my own boss, I like setting my own work hours and dealing with clients and customers. I love it because I don't have to leave my room to do it, it's a job that I can do wearing my pj's at my desk. I'm not at all put off by the thought of working alone and to be perfectly honest the idea of working in a bustling office environment fills me with dread! I have never been a team player, there might not be an 'I' in team but there's a 'ME'.

If I could just get past societal expectations then I think i'd be a lot more content to just carry on as I am. But people tell me this and that, get a job, get a boyfriend, get married, learn to drive, have children and so on and so forth until my brain hurts! Why should I have to do any of these things?! I think one of the best things about getting diagnosed with aspergers is that it's opened a whole new world of possibility up to me and shown me once and for all that I don't 'have' to do any of the things people expect me to do. Maybe I will get married, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll adopt 20 dogs and live in the forest. Who knows, only time will tell.

I think until then I should probably just ignore what 'normal' people tell me to do, and keep doing my own thing. Aspergers has also taught me that there's nothing wrong with being yourself, however weird or wacky you might be. Its helped me deal with things a lot better than I used to; for 10 years I struggled with depression and anxiety because I felt 'different' somehow, I thought there was something majorly wrong with me but my diagnosis has also taught me that there's nothing 'wrong' with me, it's everyone else that's weird! ^_^ (i'm kidding... well sort of anyway).

me as a Disney Princess, thanks to Snapchat

Can anyone remember the original point of this post because I'm not sure if I can. Anyway, the gist of it is that I'm delighted with my diagnosis, 6 months on I'm still learning so much and finding out about other people's experiences living on the spectrum. I have aspie friends that I talk to online and i've even spotted it in other people in my life (turns out my dad definitely has aspergers as well). I've probably got a long way to go before I'm ready to truly 'grow up' but until then I intend to make the most of being a big kid (albeit one in their mid-twenties) and try not to let other people get me down too much with their attempts to tell me how I should and shouldn't be. I'll be whoever the hell I want to be, thanks anyway.

okay I've probably rambled on for long enough now so i'll bring it to a close. Thanks for stopping by, feel free to ask any questions below in the comments. I'd also love to hear your own experiences if you're on the spectrum, drop me a line, i'm always happy to make new friends online.

bye for now...

2015 in review ❤

Hello chums, I know that in my last post I mentioned that the next one would probably be Star Wars themed... but as you can see, this is not the case. Since 2015 is now drawing to a close, I thought I'd keep up the annual tradition of taking a look back at the year gone by and writing a little bit about it. 

rest assured I WILL definitely blog about Star Wars in the New Year. I'm going to see 'The Force Awakens' for the third time next week (yes, really) so I'll make time to write about my love for all things Star Wars then instead.

so, on with the post. 2015 was a funny old year, as always there were some highs and lows along with plenty of laughter and tears. But then isn't every year like that?!

this is usually the point where I launch into a list of bullet points highlighting some of the ups and downs of the year... and you know what, I'd hate to disappoint so here you go!

this year I...

• spent two weeks in Larnaca, Cyprus with my lovely parents back in February. It was a really nice trip and it was also the first time I'd been back to Cyprus since I was a child. I got to visit a beautiful 9th Century BC church (read about it HERE) all while enjoying the balmy Cypriot weather.  

• was officially diagnosed with Aspergers. After 10 years battling with ongoing depression and anxiety I finally got some answers this year when my therapist suggested that I might have Aspergers. This kicked off a spate of written, audio and visual tests that culminated in a 3 hour interview in August where I received my diagnosis from a clinical psychiatrist and consultant psychologist from the UK. It's been fascinating learning about it all and why I'm the way I am. 

• got discharged from the local Mental Health Service. I originally started treatment back in February 2014 and I'm happy to announce that I was discharged in November of this year. I know that things won't be easy without the regular help of the service, but I'll do my best to get on with things by myself.  I'm hoping regular walks to the Glen will help.

• saw a great increase in online sales. In 2015 I really pushed myself to promote my work online, especially via Instagram, and eventually it started to pay off because I've had a definite boost in international sales this year. To put it into perspective, this time last year I got 5 orders in the whole of December, whereas this year I've had 111 orders since December 1st. 

• became a Godmother to a super sweet little girl. Back in September, Hayley one of my best friends from my college days kindly asked me to be Godmother to her youngest daughter Imogen. Obviously I said I'd be totally honoured and the Christening day was so lovely (read about it HERE if you like). I'm so grateful to Hayley for letting me be a part of her children's lives, I really love the afternoons I get to spend with her and her lovely girls. 

• dressed up as a 50's style Ghostbuster and spent the day walking around town on Halloween in my customized costume. Yeah I know, I'll never grow up, but this year I literally did not care what people thought of me, and I rather enjoyed my day as a Ghostbuster, I'm sure I'll crack out the outfit again when the new Ghostbusters movie comes out in 2016. 

• read 101 books. This year I managed to complete my Goodreads challenge to read 100 books, next year I'm thinking I might try and push myself to 120, but we'll have to wait and see. It's hard to say what my favourite book of 2015 was, maybe 'The Library at Mount Char' by Scott Hawkins, it was bizarre but brilliant, with an interesting mythology and some brutal characters + well written. 

• reached over 15k followers on Pinterest alone. I'm constantly striving to expand my online audience, it might sound petty and pointless to you if you're not big into the whole social media thing, but I definitely see an increase in sales when I get more followers online so It's worth the work and upkeep. This year my total reach went beyond 21,000 for all of my profiles combined, so fingers crossed that 2016 brings lots more new customers and sales (yes please!).  

• went on local radio and talked about my Art and Aspergers. Yes it might seem odd, but in October I was invited onto the 'Women Today' program on Manx Radio, it was a live show and over the course of an hour I spoke about my artwork, what inspires me and explained a bit about my recent Aspergers diagnosis. It was a lot of fun, a bit nerve-wracking opening up about mental health on live radio but a great experience regardless. 

• still didn't get a new job. I lost my job at the library in May 2014, and I've yet to get another job. I applied to another library but I never got an interview. And to be honest, other than that I haven't even really tried! At first it panicked me, I was starting to struggle financially, but now that the year is nearly over I'm not as down about it all as I probably should be. Yes I have no stable income BUT I get to spend every day doing what I love and that might be a naive viewpoint but It's more positive than getting all 'doom and gloom' about the situation. You never really know what's around the corner, who's to say I won't find a great job in 2016? Or maybe I won't, maybe I'll just continue working for myself instead. Who knows. 

 I can't really think of any more bullet points. But art and design wise, it's been a busy year. In 2015 I produced 100% girly and feminine work because I don't see why I should pretend that I want to design stuff for boys (newsflash, I don't). I added more new members to the 'Candy Doll Club' + developed brand new sticker, patch and pin designs and patterns to expand the Candy Doll Club as a brand. Feedback has been really positive and I love getting messages from customers sharing snaps of their new Girl Gang goodies. So yeah, I think I'm getting there, it might be rather slow progress but it is progress nonetheless. Here's a look at 12 of the new Candy Doll additions from 2015.

as always, it's also been a year of selfies! (For my views on why I think selfies can be super positive, check out this post HERE) Wherever I went on my travels, I made time to snap a pic of my face (I like to remind my Instagram followers that I'm a real life actual person, not just a machine mindlessly churning out girly illustrations) and like I've said before, I don't get many days where I feel good about myself so on the occasions when I look in the mirror and don't burst into tears, I like to take a photo to remind myself that I too can look like a mostly normal human being from time to time! So here are a few of 2015's selfies...

so that was 2015. Books, dressing up, Larnaca, Coventry, Dublin, Cork, France, Andorra, shopping, painting, packaging orders, good friends, great family, medical stuff, psychiatric stuff, airplane rides, boat journeys from hell, road trips, floods, good times and not so good ones. All in all, not a terrible year.

come on 2016, you can do better, I KNOW you can, don't let me down!

I don't have any plans for New Years Eve tomorrow night, my friends are all busy I think. I'm not sure whether or not to make an effort and leave the house, or just lock myself in my room and sleep through the midnight countdown etc. NYE isn't a great night for me to be without plans, I tend to go a bit loopy, I've no idea why but NYE just has that effect on me. It's like everything that's happened in the year comes crashing down on me and It's a bit of an emotional overload that I can't always deal with.  

I'm a bit scared to be honest, but hopefully this year I'll handle things a bit better than I did last year.

thanks for visiting, see you next year...

Merry Coolmas ♥

Hello my lovelies, Happy Xmas Eve to you wherever you may be + whatever you might be up to this evening.

If you celebrate Christmas then i'm sure you'll be spending Christmas Eve doing something festive or just relaxing with family and/or friends.

As has become tradition in recent years, I decided to have a go at a festive themed illustration. I only just finished it today, hence the Xmas Eve blog post. It's not as overtly Christmassy as some of my past designs, but here it is anyway...

She's a bit of a cool chick, hence the blog title. I drew the hair aaaaages ago, but I couldn't think of anything to go with it so I figured a christmas jumper + kilt style skirt might work. + the pattern in the background was 100% made just for this piece. I tried plain snowflakes but it didn't look right so I made more work for myself and came up with this simple little pattern instead.

There's a surprising amount of detail in this one, the Jumper has a woven fabric texture and the stripes on the skirt took quite a while to do. The hair always takes forever to edit as well, believe it or not but it's the most time consuming part of any Candy Doll illustration.

She's got a little bit of attitude to go with her ironic festive jumper + green ombre tipped ends, she's too 'cool' for Christmas. I don't know maybe she's just not that into the holiday season or something. You'd have to ask her yourself.

If she's not really feeling it this year, then she's not the only one.

This year I've been really struggling to get into the Christmas spirit. I'm not sure why as i'm usually the kind of person who starts playing Christmas music and wearing festive jumpers non-stop from December 1^st onwards. But this year it just never happened, I kept waiting for the Christmas buzz to hit, but it never did. This isn't the first time this has happened, a few years ago I was going through a rough patch and I barely celebrated at all. I refused to put up any decorations or wrap any gifts. It wasn't a great time but I thought I was past all that now. 

Apparently not. This year there's been no excitement for Christmas; for Star Wars, yes, i've been excited like you would not believe, but for Christmas... no such luck. 

decorations in the Strand shopping centre in town

 Before you start having a go at me about being ungrateful etc, i'll just stop you there because no, that's not at all what I mean.

I just think there's a lot of pressure at Christmas time to be terribly cheery and happy and FESTIVE! It's a time when you're supposed to be merry and bright, spending days with those closest to you and doing all the typical christmassy things. In the UK that usually involves copious amounts of alcohol, chocolate and cheesy television. But my family isn't really like that, i'm not sure if it's because both myself and my dad have Aspergers but we've just never been the sort of family that sits around watching TV together for hours on end. In fact we don't spend much time together at all, but that's fine, that's just how we are.

my Christmas themed vintage troll brooch

Take today for example. I've spent the entire day in my room drawing and editing + reading and listening to the 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens' score on repeat. The only times i've left my room were to get a cup of tea and walk up to check the post. My dad spent the morning in the garden before spending the afternoon watching TV by himself. And my mum... well i'm not really sure but it probably involved coffee and facebook. But like I said, that's just us, regardless of the time of year. 

I don't usually feel any pressure to get my family in one room and spend time together, I love my parents more than anything but at Christmas time I feel like there's something wrong with me for not wanting to do what 'normal' families do during the holidays. 

the christmas tree in town

Usually I don't give any of this a second thought as it's so normal, but at Christmas it seems to become all the more apparent and I know it shouldn't bother me in the slightest, but it DOES, so I get all conflicted, should I make more of an effort or not? Most years it's the former, I go all out, christmas music blaring from my room, decorations everywhere, trips out to fairs, family shopping excursions and the like. This year it's the latter I think. 

decorations in Coventry City Centre

I'm just not feeling it for some reason. It may as well be any other day of the year. Don't get me wrong, I might not be running around singing carols and throwing glitter, but I still LOVE getting presents for people, choosing gifts and wrapping them up. But this year i've been struggling finacially and it's gotten me kind of down because I can't afford to buy my friends and family the sorts of gifts I want to. It's silly I know, and gifts aren't the be all and end all of the festive season but still.

It's a daft thing to get low about but my mum arranged all of our xmas gifts earlier and it upset me to see the tiny pile of gifts they each have from me. All I can think is that next year I have to get a job so that I can give them a better Christmas. 

she'll read this and come and tell me to stop being a daft sod, but I can't help but feel guilty. My family all do so much for me, it upsets me that I can't treat them to heaps of lovely things.

my 'christmas' outfit

and on that note I have NO idea what my original point was. I went off on a tangent there somewhere, so it's probably best if I call it a day. 

thanks for reading, I'll try and get another post in before 2016 starts, it will probably be Star Wars themed, so i'm just warning you now...

Merry Christmas to YOU

Now you know ♥

Hello dearhearts!

This post might come across as a bit unusual to some of you, and I aplogise in advance but there's something i've been wanting to write about for quite some time and i'm going to do it right now. So to lighten the mood, i'm filling this post with some of my own illustrations from the past few years! So if you can't be bothered to read, at least you'll have some pretty pictures to look at.

'Sugar Skull'

Now then, as i've mentioned many, MANY times over the years, I happen to live on a lovely little island in the middle of the Irish Sea, called the Isle of Man.

I know that quite a few of my readers are local, in which case... some of you may have heard me on Manx Radio yesterday afternoon!

You might have been a little surprised to hear me sounding so chipper and bright, you might have been even more surprised to hear what I had to say during my time on air...

A few weeks ago I was invited onto the Women Today show to talk about my art, how I create, what motivates me etc. Obviously I was super excited about this opportunity, Manx Radio is on 24/7 in our house (seriously!) and i've been interviewed maybe 4 or 5 times over the years, usually for craft fairs and art exhibitions. So I was thrilled at the thought of getting to take part in an hour long show, especially one geared toward female opinions and women's issues. GIRL POWER or what?!

'Selfie Queen'

Anyway, the show was live and on air yesterday from 2-3pm and I had A LOT of fun chatting with Beth, Jo and Kate, the three lovely presenters. If you know me in real life (lucky YOU if you do) then you'd probably think i'd just go on the show and ramble on about drawings and pastel colours and books and netflix... which I did do. But I also went on and talked mostly about art and Aspergers.

Because if you DID hear the show (if you didn't, you can give it a listen right HERE the show kicks in properly around the 6 minute mark if you want to skip ahead) then you will now know that I was recently diagnosed with Aspergers myself.

SURPRISE!

'Do Not Disturb'

Those of you that are regular readers of the blog may or may not know that since February 2014 I have been receiving treatment and medication for ongoing depression and anxiety. It's been a big help getting some proper treatment after so many years of trying to deal with things myself. I've been to all sorts of group sessions and have filled in lots of questionnaires and quotients to try and find out what exactly I 'have'. Well now I know.

Initially, my psychiatrist speculated that I might have Borderline Personality Disorder but this was a diagnosis I disagreed with, I didn't feel that I ticked enough of the boxes to warrant having BPD. But then one day my CBT therapist turned around and said 'what do you know about Aspergers?'. I didn't know very much and when I asked him why he said 'because I think you have it'.And it turns out that he was right.

'Pretty in Pink'

It has all been a bit of a revelation to be honest. Since then i've read several books on Aspergers + dozens of articles and publications sourced online, and before my diagnosis, the more I read about it the more positive I was that it all pertained to me. I've briefly touched on my battles with mental illness in the past, but never in any real depth. I try to keep this blog a happy place full of bright colours and nice things; but it's true that the reason my intrepid blogging ambitions have waned in recent years is because i've been dealing with depression, anxiety and self-harm.

'Just Can't Get Enough'

I'm not ashamed to talk about this now. It used to bother me quite a lot, I felt like everyone could either see what was wrong with me and would judge me for it, or that no-one could see it at all, so that when I did eventually speak up and say 'I need help', nobody would believe me because I looked 'fine'. But then isn't one of the worst things about mental illness the fact that it is often an invisible illness?! If you told someone you had a broken arm they'd never tell you to 'pull yourself together' or 'stop feeling sorry for yourself', so why should comments like that be an acceptable reply when someone admits that they're depressed or dealing with anxiety. They're not, obviously, but some people still seem to think it's okay to say things like that when confronted with mental illness.

'Summertime'

Fortunately i've not had to deal with too much of that sort of thing, my friends and family have all been incredibly supportive throughout everything. And I find that usually when you do tell someone that you're receiving treatment, they often surprise you by admitting that they (or someone close to them) has dealt with similar issues. Early on there were of course those who refused to accept that anything was really 'wrong', emphatically pushing various self-help CDs and apps on me each time I confessed to feeling low. But after a while as I was prescribed more and more meds and as the visible scars became more numerous, people seemed to realise that maybe this wasn't the 'it will go away by itself' kind of problem.

Since my Aspergers diagnosis in August, i've only told a few people, friends and family close to me. Which begs the question, WHY did I decide to talk about it live on the radio. All I can say is that I guess there's no better way to 'come out' (as it were) as an Aspie, than on national radio on a Monday afternoon!

'Candy Queen'

Since the show aired, i've had people messaging me telling me how 'brave' I was to talk so openly about my troubles on the air. But I don't feel particularly brave, i'm just being honest after all. There's still such a stigma attached to mental illness that we're simply not always used to hearing or reading about it so candidly, so when someone does turn round and say 'this is what's wrong with me, but I embrace it' people aren't quite sure what to do or say.

Now some people might have heard the show yesterday and thought, 'gosh Aspergers, how terrible for her' or something along the lines of 'wow, she must be REALLY weird' in which case, no it's not terrible and yes of course i'm weird! Who on earth wants to be normal?! But then I went on to talk about how positive I think it is, how I see it as a 'gift' and that it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Because it isn't!

'Love is the Drug'

I mean it's not like I can help it, any of it. I didn't wake up one morning aged thirteen and think 'oh i'll be depressed or anxious today' or decide as a child that being 'normal' wasn't for me. Until I started high school I didn't even realise there was really anything 'wrong' with me, and i'm still not sure that there actually is. I'm the way I am and that's that. I can't switch it off even if I can sometimes hide it away, but however much I feel the need to pretend or 'fit in', i'm always going to be this way, regardless of what people think or say.

I'm fortunate as well that a few of the more typical Aspergers traits, mainly concerning social skills and recognizing emotions in others, aren't things I really have difficulties with. It seems that a lifetime of observing and imitating others' behaviour has helped me to adapt better and 'blend in'. That makes me sound like some sort of hideous alien infiltrating humanity! But it's a good thing, I think, it means that although I might sometimes come across a bit blunt or unsympathetic, I can ultimately hold a normal conversation with someone and recognize when someone else is sad/happy/annoyed etc.

'Pretty as a Picture'

If any of that sounds odd to you, and you're wondering how someone could possibly NOT recognize basic social skills or emotions in others, then that probably means you don't have Aspergers! I don't have a problem with talking to people or 'putting myself in their shoes' as it were, however other traits of Aspergers syndrome can be frustrating and difficult to overcome.

I'm very sensitive to sounds, for example, I often have to carry earbud headphones with me when i'm out in a busy place as the overstimulation of sounds can spark off a sort of panic attack where i'm likely to end up crying hysterically. Fortunately it doesn't happen very often but when it does it is, to put it bluntly, 'a pain in the arse'. Especially when it happens in a busy shop/cafe/swimming pool. But it's something I can and do work on, luckily it's quite a minor inconvenience compared to some other typical Aspie issues.

'Buzz Buzz'

Ironically as well, despite the fact that I can often pick up on delicate emotional imbalances in others, i'm almost completely clueless when it comes to my own emotional states. I can tell you what a stranger across the room is feeling (and get it spot on) but if you ask me how I really 'feel' i'll probably stare at you blankly while trying to come up with an answer. It's massively frustrating to be stymied by your own brain when you're trying to make things better!

It's funny as well because these are things i've dealt with all my life but i've only just been given a reason for them. I know that some people don't want any labels but finding out about the whole Aspergers thing has made it so much easier to understand why some things are so easy and others are so incredibly daunting. Public speaking, going on the radio, teaching a class... that's fine, i'll do it with a smile on my face; but ask me to make a phone-call or catch a bus and i'll probably fall to pieces.

'Go Away'

As I only received my diagnosis a few months ago, i'm still learning about it and coming to terms with it + what it really means to be an Aspie. But it many ways i'm relieved to finally have an answer to so many of the questions i've had all my life.

So I want to thank the lovely ladies at Women Today for inviting me on the show and giving me the opportunity to talk not only about my art, but about some of the struggles i've had and to open up a bit about Aspergers. So THANK you!!!

oh and if you did listen to the show and you heard the description of my outfit and you're wondering what the mermaid skirt looks like...

me!!!

there you go! (and yes, I know that the mirror is in desperate need of a clean!!!)

so on that note, i'll say goodbye for now.

naturally you can expect more Aspie themed posts in the future! Well now that the cat is out of the bag it would be rude not to keep going on about it...

by the way, if any of you have any questions about anything I talked about on the radio yesterday or touched upon in this post, you can leave a comment below, send me an email or private message me on facebook, twitter or instagram if you don't want a public chat, and I will of course reply.

so until next time, thanks for visiting, come back soon.

Happy Day ♥

hello dearhearts, crikey it's been exactly a month since my last post on here, i'm really not too great at this whole blogging malarkey am I?!
wait, don't answer that...

anyway I'm here now and I wanted to fill you in on a few of the things that have happened recently to keep me away from here... but then I thought 'nah'.

so instead i'm going to tell you about what I did last weekend because you see last Sunday I became a Godmother! woooooo!!!

I was over the moon when one of my very best friends Hayley, whom I've known since College, asked me to be Godmother to her youngest daughter Imogen. I mean obviously I said 'yes' otherwise I wouldn't be writing this blog. Although I was a little disappointed as I'd originally thought Hayley was proposing to me... oh well, you can't have everything I suppose!

Little Miss Imogen and her lovely Mama, Hayley.

Hayley and I first met the day we were both interviewed for a place on the Art and Design course. Luckily we both got accepted so on my first day of class she was the ONLY person I recognized or knew, so naturally I became her personal limpet. That was in September 2008 and we're still good friends now, so I couldn't have been quite as annoying as I thought! I feel very lucky to still have her as a friend as she's really nice and possibly even more sarcastic than I am! She has two very beautiful and adorable daughters and I felt very honoured that she chose me to be a Godmother.

the amazing (and delicious) Christening cake!

Anyway, the Christening day was last Sunday at St Peter's Church in Onchan here on the Isle of Man. It was a really lovely day, the sun was out and friends and family sat in the church to watch Miss Imogen Evie Reid get baptized. The Vicar was a little over enthusiastic with the holy water so most of the front two pews got baptized as well. I of course got a handful of water in the face, but I didn't burst into flames so that's one good thing!

proud parents! Hayley and Lewis with Imogen in St Peter's Church.

It was perhaps a little more eventful than planned as poor Imogen accidentally had a bump during the service and suffered a little nosebleed, there were some tears and crying but after that things went off without a hitch and after the Christening it was time for a bit of a party! Hayley and her family put on an amazing spread of food and sweet treats including a chocolate fountain (yum!) and more chips and pasty than you can actually imagine.

Gracie, Imogen's big sister.

along with the tubs of jelly and marshmallows and cookies, there were also some cupcakes that I made for the Christening. I'd met Hayley a few days before to take Gracie to the park and I ended up offering to bake some cupcakes to bring along. Now this might not seem like too big a deal but at the time I was in the early stages of a vile cold/sore throat, I had two commissions on the go and I'm not the most successful baker even at the best of times.

mid baking... oops!

So... as you can see, things got off to a great start. I had to wear a mask while I made them (so as not to give anyone else the dreaded 'cold') and it was going quite well; I'd made up the cake batter, I had everything ready and then, splash! While pouring myself a well earned glass of pop I ended up soaking myself and the kitchen floor creating a big sticky mess. Because apparently I am still a child and not in fact a twenty-four-year-old woman (with polar bear socks).

before and after.

It all turned out fine in the end though, after some very helpful mopping from Mama Boylan (thanks mum!) I ended up with 32 mini cupcakes (at about 11:30pm) so I decided to ice them the next morning ready for the Christening. I love piping pink vanilla buttercream onto cakes, it's surprisingly therapeutic and it's always fun to lick the spoon afterwards. Anyway they seemed popular at the Christening as there were only 2 left by the time I went home but it wasn't until I got back that I realised I completely forgot to try one myself!

the print I designed for the Christening.

It was probably more trouble figuring out how to transport the cakes from my house to the venue than it was to the make the ruddy things and i'll definitely think twice before I volunteer my questionable baking skills again in the future! Luckily my contributions weren't a total loss as Hayley had also (cunningly) managed to get me to volunteer for some less messy work. So as per her request, I designed a simple typography print with Imogen's birth info on for the Christening day. You will have seen it at the start of the post as well. Ducks are Imogen's favourite animal so there's four on the print; one each for her, her big sister Gracie and her Mummy and Daddy.

my gifts for Imogen.

I was definitely in a making mood all week because I ended up making two of Imogen's gifts myself. I stitched together a little pink bunny for her room and then I got my sewing machine out to struggle through making a string of pretty bunting. I love sewing by hand but the sewing machine and I do NOT often see eye to eye (it hates me for some reason) so the bunting is a little wonky, but still looks okay. The other gifts were a special laser-cut keepsake plaque and a cute teeny tiny pearl bracelet with her name + a little silver charm with 'goddaughter' on.

me... all dressed up!

Unfortunately I didn't get any pictures at the church and I couldn't manage to lure Imogen away from her mum/dad/grandparents/aunt/uncle to grab a snap with her. So instead you'll have to contend with a shameless selfie of me in the lovely dress I bought just for the Christening (it's from HERE if you're interested).

It was a lot of fun to be part of such a special day for Imogen and her family, so big BIG thanks to Hayley for putting up with me for all these years + asking me to be a part of her child's life!

* * *

as you can probably tell this was more of a personal post today. So if you only come here for the art then i'm sorry but I am a real person and I do sometimes actually go out and DO things. I do have some new illustrated bits n' bobs to share with you but they will have to wait for another time, so I will do my best to post another blog next week maybe.

so until then, thanks for visiting! byeeeeeeee.