Now you know ♥

Hello dearhearts!

This post might come across as a bit unusual to some of you, and I aplogise in advance but there's something i've been wanting to write about for quite some time and i'm going to do it right now. So to lighten the mood, i'm filling this post with some of my own illustrations from the past few years! So if you can't be bothered to read, at least you'll have some pretty pictures to look at.

'Sugar Skull'

Now then, as i've mentioned many, MANY times over the years, I happen to live on a lovely little island in the middle of the Irish Sea, called the Isle of Man.

I know that quite a few of my readers are local, in which case... some of you may have heard me on Manx Radio yesterday afternoon!

You might have been a little surprised to hear me sounding so chipper and bright, you might have been even more surprised to hear what I had to say during my time on air...

A few weeks ago I was invited onto the Women Today show to talk about my art, how I create, what motivates me etc. Obviously I was super excited about this opportunity, Manx Radio is on 24/7 in our house (seriously!) and i've been interviewed maybe 4 or 5 times over the years, usually for craft fairs and art exhibitions. So I was thrilled at the thought of getting to take part in an hour long show, especially one geared toward female opinions and women's issues. GIRL POWER or what?!

'Selfie Queen'

Anyway, the show was live and on air yesterday from 2-3pm and I had A LOT of fun chatting with Beth, Jo and Kate, the three lovely presenters. If you know me in real life (lucky YOU if you do) then you'd probably think i'd just go on the show and ramble on about drawings and pastel colours and books and netflix... which I did do. But I also went on and talked mostly about art and Aspergers.

Because if you DID hear the show (if you didn't, you can give it a listen right HERE the show kicks in properly around the 6 minute mark if you want to skip ahead) then you will now know that I was recently diagnosed with Aspergers myself.

SURPRISE!

'Do Not Disturb'

Those of you that are regular readers of the blog may or may not know that since February 2014 I have been receiving treatment and medication for ongoing depression and anxiety. It's been a big help getting some proper treatment after so many years of trying to deal with things myself. I've been to all sorts of group sessions and have filled in lots of questionnaires and quotients to try and find out what exactly I 'have'. Well now I know.

Initially, my psychiatrist speculated that I might have Borderline Personality Disorder but this was a diagnosis I disagreed with, I didn't feel that I ticked enough of the boxes to warrant having BPD. But then one day my CBT therapist turned around and said 'what do you know about Aspergers?'. I didn't know very much and when I asked him why he said 'because I think you have it'.And it turns out that he was right.

'Pretty in Pink'

It has all been a bit of a revelation to be honest. Since then i've read several books on Aspergers + dozens of articles and publications sourced online, and before my diagnosis, the more I read about it the more positive I was that it all pertained to me. I've briefly touched on my battles with mental illness in the past, but never in any real depth. I try to keep this blog a happy place full of bright colours and nice things; but it's true that the reason my intrepid blogging ambitions have waned in recent years is because i've been dealing with depression, anxiety and self-harm.

'Just Can't Get Enough'

I'm not ashamed to talk about this now. It used to bother me quite a lot, I felt like everyone could either see what was wrong with me and would judge me for it, or that no-one could see it at all, so that when I did eventually speak up and say 'I need help', nobody would believe me because I looked 'fine'. But then isn't one of the worst things about mental illness the fact that it is often an invisible illness?! If you told someone you had a broken arm they'd never tell you to 'pull yourself together' or 'stop feeling sorry for yourself', so why should comments like that be an acceptable reply when someone admits that they're depressed or dealing with anxiety. They're not, obviously, but some people still seem to think it's okay to say things like that when confronted with mental illness.

'Summertime'

Fortunately i've not had to deal with too much of that sort of thing, my friends and family have all been incredibly supportive throughout everything. And I find that usually when you do tell someone that you're receiving treatment, they often surprise you by admitting that they (or someone close to them) has dealt with similar issues. Early on there were of course those who refused to accept that anything was really 'wrong', emphatically pushing various self-help CDs and apps on me each time I confessed to feeling low. But after a while as I was prescribed more and more meds and as the visible scars became more numerous, people seemed to realise that maybe this wasn't the 'it will go away by itself' kind of problem.

Since my Aspergers diagnosis in August, i've only told a few people, friends and family close to me. Which begs the question, WHY did I decide to talk about it live on the radio. All I can say is that I guess there's no better way to 'come out' (as it were) as an Aspie, than on national radio on a Monday afternoon!

'Candy Queen'

Since the show aired, i've had people messaging me telling me how 'brave' I was to talk so openly about my troubles on the air. But I don't feel particularly brave, i'm just being honest after all. There's still such a stigma attached to mental illness that we're simply not always used to hearing or reading about it so candidly, so when someone does turn round and say 'this is what's wrong with me, but I embrace it' people aren't quite sure what to do or say.

Now some people might have heard the show yesterday and thought, 'gosh Aspergers, how terrible for her' or something along the lines of 'wow, she must be REALLY weird' in which case, no it's not terrible and yes of course i'm weird! Who on earth wants to be normal?! But then I went on to talk about how positive I think it is, how I see it as a 'gift' and that it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Because it isn't!

'Love is the Drug'

I mean it's not like I can help it, any of it. I didn't wake up one morning aged thirteen and think 'oh i'll be depressed or anxious today' or decide as a child that being 'normal' wasn't for me. Until I started high school I didn't even realise there was really anything 'wrong' with me, and i'm still not sure that there actually is. I'm the way I am and that's that. I can't switch it off even if I can sometimes hide it away, but however much I feel the need to pretend or 'fit in', i'm always going to be this way, regardless of what people think or say.

I'm fortunate as well that a few of the more typical Aspergers traits, mainly concerning social skills and recognizing emotions in others, aren't things I really have difficulties with. It seems that a lifetime of observing and imitating others' behaviour has helped me to adapt better and 'blend in'. That makes me sound like some sort of hideous alien infiltrating humanity! But it's a good thing, I think, it means that although I might sometimes come across a bit blunt or unsympathetic, I can ultimately hold a normal conversation with someone and recognize when someone else is sad/happy/annoyed etc.

'Pretty as a Picture'

If any of that sounds odd to you, and you're wondering how someone could possibly NOT recognize basic social skills or emotions in others, then that probably means you don't have Aspergers! I don't have a problem with talking to people or 'putting myself in their shoes' as it were, however other traits of Aspergers syndrome can be frustrating and difficult to overcome.

I'm very sensitive to sounds, for example, I often have to carry earbud headphones with me when i'm out in a busy place as the overstimulation of sounds can spark off a sort of panic attack where i'm likely to end up crying hysterically. Fortunately it doesn't happen very often but when it does it is, to put it bluntly, 'a pain in the arse'. Especially when it happens in a busy shop/cafe/swimming pool. But it's something I can and do work on, luckily it's quite a minor inconvenience compared to some other typical Aspie issues.

'Buzz Buzz'

Ironically as well, despite the fact that I can often pick up on delicate emotional imbalances in others, i'm almost completely clueless when it comes to my own emotional states. I can tell you what a stranger across the room is feeling (and get it spot on) but if you ask me how I really 'feel' i'll probably stare at you blankly while trying to come up with an answer. It's massively frustrating to be stymied by your own brain when you're trying to make things better!

It's funny as well because these are things i've dealt with all my life but i've only just been given a reason for them. I know that some people don't want any labels but finding out about the whole Aspergers thing has made it so much easier to understand why some things are so easy and others are so incredibly daunting. Public speaking, going on the radio, teaching a class... that's fine, i'll do it with a smile on my face; but ask me to make a phone-call or catch a bus and i'll probably fall to pieces.

'Go Away'

As I only received my diagnosis a few months ago, i'm still learning about it and coming to terms with it + what it really means to be an Aspie. But it many ways i'm relieved to finally have an answer to so many of the questions i've had all my life.

So I want to thank the lovely ladies at Women Today for inviting me on the show and giving me the opportunity to talk not only about my art, but about some of the struggles i've had and to open up a bit about Aspergers. So THANK you!!!

oh and if you did listen to the show and you heard the description of my outfit and you're wondering what the mermaid skirt looks like...

me!!!

there you go! (and yes, I know that the mirror is in desperate need of a clean!!!)

so on that note, i'll say goodbye for now.

naturally you can expect more Aspie themed posts in the future! Well now that the cat is out of the bag it would be rude not to keep going on about it...

by the way, if any of you have any questions about anything I talked about on the radio yesterday or touched upon in this post, you can leave a comment below, send me an email or private message me on facebook, twitter or instagram if you don't want a public chat, and I will of course reply.

so until next time, thanks for visiting, come back soon.

Muddy Boots ★

so today it was the Royal Manx Agriculture Show here on the Isle of Man, the show is held every year for 2 days and is a brilliant day out for any Manxie (or visitor!!!) 

ever since i was about eleven-years-old i've been going to the show to help/hang out with my friend Chantal in the trophy tent where her + her lovely mum Lorraine work every year

sadly i missed the show last year since i was in Ireland but this year... i was here for it!!!

unfortunately though this year the weather wasn't up to it's usual sunny August standard so it was a little gloomy, not cold, just a bit cloudy and rainy, unfortunately my old wellington's don't fit me so i had to wear my glen walking boots instead!  and since we all know i tend to live in dresses/skirts, today was no exception despite the adverse weather conditions!!! (i'm insane... clearly) i even took my Gucci Indy along for the day!!!

in fact the only problem was that THIS year they'd moved the location of the show so it meant leaving the house at 8am to get there for the opening! my lovely dad chauffeured me there and back (ta dad), here he is posing by one of the many massive tractors on the showground

and here i am... also posing by a tractor, a big RED one! :)

eventually, after wandering around for a while, i spotted the trophy tent and rushed inside to find Chantal and Lorraine (whom i hadn't seen in aaaaaages!!!)

the trophy tent is fabulous though, i love sitting in there every year + helping to hand out the trophies!

we wandered around the showground for a bit as well though, and of course myself + Shiny (Chantal) couldn't resist stopping to pose with this lovely 'cow'

milkshake in hand as well! oh well! Shiny practiced her pinup pose when it was her turn...

so chic!  even in wellington boots...

there were lots of real animals there as well though obviously! including some very real cows...

we also looked after Shiny's little brother Cameron, her sister Lizzie and their little cousins Jess and Lewis, visiting from Glasgow with their lovely mum. there are dozens of brilliant games and stalls dotted about the showground + loads of bouncy castles, so there was plenty to keep them occupied!

we had a mooch around the craft tent for a bit then Jess spotted a 'glitter tattoo' stall where she got a sparkly mermaid on her arm, then Shiny decided that she wanted a little Henna tattoo so got this awesome, custom '3 legs of mann' tattoo on her wrist!

it was our turn to watch the tent after that though so we settled down for a while, which gave lovely little Jess the chance to draw some amazing pictures for us! she gave me these two to keep

and this one of myself + Shiny as mermaids!

gorgeous drawings! i love them :) Jessica is a very super duper little doodler for sure!

we all happily nattered and chattered away, it was great to catch up with Shiny as well after so long!

but alas, we all had to be quiet then because we spotted local radio presenters Alex and Ash from Manx Radio, recording live on the air right outside our trophy tent

it wasn't easy though! we all got the giggles and had to try and behave!!! Alex and Ash had certainly come prepared with wellington's and coats, they didn't look to overjoyed to be wandering around in the rain though! 

anyway to pass the time, myself + Shiny had a go at taking some daft pictures but truth be told most of them were so awful Shiny made me swear not to post them on here!!!

so i'll just post the 'ott pouting one' instead...

i really did have the most brilliant day though! i always enjoy the show and i'm super glad that i went today! 

for all the Manxies out there reading this, the show is on again tomorrow and don't forget it's being held at Patrick this year instead of Sulby

* * *

in other news, i forgot to tell you about this the other day but i won some stickers in a mini facebook page giveaway held by the very awesome and groovy Pete Bessent aka Purple Cactus

i got to pick out 6 gorgeous sticker designs for myself from his redbubble shop

so i picked... these ones

 to see the rest of Pete's epic sticker designs, follow this link - stickers

i won't go in to too much about Pete's artwork right now since i'll hopefully be doing a Creative Café feature on his work soon enough, but to see more of his stuff be sure to visit his Facebook fan page - Purple Cactus Design

anyway, thanks for the stickers! i LOVE them!!!

* * *

not much else for today, i can't go to the second day of the show tomorrow since i'm going to be pretty busy, but i WILL be posting a blog tomorrow night so look out for that!

until then, that's all folks... ★ ◕‿◕ xX

ps - a dozen or so entries for the giveaway so far, you have 19 days left to enter - August Giveaway

Flowers and Raindrops ♥

ok so we won't talk about yesterday, yesterday was not a great day! Yesterday involved a lot of frantic phone calls, emails and text messages. Yesterday involved a lot of rain and some rather annoying news + a total cock-up concerning a planned trip.

Let's talk about today. today it's raining... again! however, today when I got into college i had to go down to reception to pick up the beautiful big bouquet of flowers that had been delivered for me. They are now sitting on my desk making everything seem so much brighter and happier. I was so chuffed that there were some pink gerbera daisies in the bunch along with some gorgeous pink/red roses. I adore gerberas, red ones are my favourites but whatever their colour they're always pretty. Here's they all are prettifying up my desk space...

so today i've also been doing some more research into old ads. Had a great chat all about 'Mad Men' and 'Dick Tracy' and 'Metropolis' (the Dick Tracy/Metropolis stuff is for a commission i'm currently working on) with my tutor Ian. He's a massive 'Mad Men' fan as well so he seems to like my research so far. I also got on with some more drawings in my logbook.

 Today i'm listening to some Tchaikovsky, some French Opera (stuff from Carmen mostly, habanera, Seguedilla etc) + a bit of Vivaldi (i like classical stuff when sketching... go figure!)whilst working on some studies of pieces by Angelique Houtkamp who I spoke a little more about + posted some pictures by, in this post last week - 'Blog... à la college ♥'

so here's what i've been working on today...

it's actually finished now. i snapped this early this morning but her hair + tattoos are all drawn in now as well. it's taken me bloody ages to do! i didn't intend on drawing the tattoos but once i'd started i couldn't stop!

this photo also shows the original 1950's magazine cover that Angelique based her piece on. the pose is identical but she's really made it her own. it's one of my favourite pieces by her, so much detail in it, just gorgeous!

so yesterday... yeah it wasn't too good! the only GREAT thing about it was that my friend Jeni popped by to visit me and to collect the print of her 'Jeni in Penguinland' illustration 

(follow the link to see it if you haven't already) + a little postcard i got her during my trip to Cork over the summer. i also got the owl one for my friend Kyren. i don't know what it was about the one i chose for Jeni, it just reminded me of her for some reason and i just knew she'd find it funny.

 the owl one explains itself really + Kyren (or Kyrowl as he is more commonly known) really likes owls. inexplicably... 

anyway, the postcards are from Paperchase which is without a doubt my absolute most very favourite (thank you Charlie and Lola for reminding me how to describe things...) stationary shop in the world! especially the massive one in London! there's also a fab one in Selfridges in Birmingham which i try to go to every year. I fully love love love paperchase! 

ok dokes i'll stop rambling on and on and on now...

it's lunch time so i don't have to feel guilty about blogging today = good times

however it's nearly 1pm which is when lunch time ends = bad times

so on that happy note i'll finish this up

if you're reading this then i hope you have a truly super duper day

that's all folks...

★ ◕‿◕ ♥ xX