2015 in review ❤

Hello chums, I know that in my last post I mentioned that the next one would probably be Star Wars themed... but as you can see, this is not the case. Since 2015 is now drawing to a close, I thought I'd keep up the annual tradition of taking a look back at the year gone by and writing a little bit about it. 

rest assured I WILL definitely blog about Star Wars in the New Year. I'm going to see 'The Force Awakens' for the third time next week (yes, really) so I'll make time to write about my love for all things Star Wars then instead.

so, on with the post. 2015 was a funny old year, as always there were some highs and lows along with plenty of laughter and tears. But then isn't every year like that?!

this is usually the point where I launch into a list of bullet points highlighting some of the ups and downs of the year... and you know what, I'd hate to disappoint so here you go!

this year I...

• spent two weeks in Larnaca, Cyprus with my lovely parents back in February. It was a really nice trip and it was also the first time I'd been back to Cyprus since I was a child. I got to visit a beautiful 9th Century BC church (read about it HERE) all while enjoying the balmy Cypriot weather.  

• was officially diagnosed with Aspergers. After 10 years battling with ongoing depression and anxiety I finally got some answers this year when my therapist suggested that I might have Aspergers. This kicked off a spate of written, audio and visual tests that culminated in a 3 hour interview in August where I received my diagnosis from a clinical psychiatrist and consultant psychologist from the UK. It's been fascinating learning about it all and why I'm the way I am. 

• got discharged from the local Mental Health Service. I originally started treatment back in February 2014 and I'm happy to announce that I was discharged in November of this year. I know that things won't be easy without the regular help of the service, but I'll do my best to get on with things by myself.  I'm hoping regular walks to the Glen will help.

• saw a great increase in online sales. In 2015 I really pushed myself to promote my work online, especially via Instagram, and eventually it started to pay off because I've had a definite boost in international sales this year. To put it into perspective, this time last year I got 5 orders in the whole of December, whereas this year I've had 111 orders since December 1st. 

• became a Godmother to a super sweet little girl. Back in September, Hayley one of my best friends from my college days kindly asked me to be Godmother to her youngest daughter Imogen. Obviously I said I'd be totally honoured and the Christening day was so lovely (read about it HERE if you like). I'm so grateful to Hayley for letting me be a part of her children's lives, I really love the afternoons I get to spend with her and her lovely girls. 

• dressed up as a 50's style Ghostbuster and spent the day walking around town on Halloween in my customized costume. Yeah I know, I'll never grow up, but this year I literally did not care what people thought of me, and I rather enjoyed my day as a Ghostbuster, I'm sure I'll crack out the outfit again when the new Ghostbusters movie comes out in 2016. 

• read 101 books. This year I managed to complete my Goodreads challenge to read 100 books, next year I'm thinking I might try and push myself to 120, but we'll have to wait and see. It's hard to say what my favourite book of 2015 was, maybe 'The Library at Mount Char' by Scott Hawkins, it was bizarre but brilliant, with an interesting mythology and some brutal characters + well written. 

• reached over 15k followers on Pinterest alone. I'm constantly striving to expand my online audience, it might sound petty and pointless to you if you're not big into the whole social media thing, but I definitely see an increase in sales when I get more followers online so It's worth the work and upkeep. This year my total reach went beyond 21,000 for all of my profiles combined, so fingers crossed that 2016 brings lots more new customers and sales (yes please!).  

• went on local radio and talked about my Art and Aspergers. Yes it might seem odd, but in October I was invited onto the 'Women Today' program on Manx Radio, it was a live show and over the course of an hour I spoke about my artwork, what inspires me and explained a bit about my recent Aspergers diagnosis. It was a lot of fun, a bit nerve-wracking opening up about mental health on live radio but a great experience regardless. 

• still didn't get a new job. I lost my job at the library in May 2014, and I've yet to get another job. I applied to another library but I never got an interview. And to be honest, other than that I haven't even really tried! At first it panicked me, I was starting to struggle financially, but now that the year is nearly over I'm not as down about it all as I probably should be. Yes I have no stable income BUT I get to spend every day doing what I love and that might be a naive viewpoint but It's more positive than getting all 'doom and gloom' about the situation. You never really know what's around the corner, who's to say I won't find a great job in 2016? Or maybe I won't, maybe I'll just continue working for myself instead. Who knows. 

 I can't really think of any more bullet points. But art and design wise, it's been a busy year. In 2015 I produced 100% girly and feminine work because I don't see why I should pretend that I want to design stuff for boys (newsflash, I don't). I added more new members to the 'Candy Doll Club' + developed brand new sticker, patch and pin designs and patterns to expand the Candy Doll Club as a brand. Feedback has been really positive and I love getting messages from customers sharing snaps of their new Girl Gang goodies. So yeah, I think I'm getting there, it might be rather slow progress but it is progress nonetheless. Here's a look at 12 of the new Candy Doll additions from 2015.

as always, it's also been a year of selfies! (For my views on why I think selfies can be super positive, check out this post HERE) Wherever I went on my travels, I made time to snap a pic of my face (I like to remind my Instagram followers that I'm a real life actual person, not just a machine mindlessly churning out girly illustrations) and like I've said before, I don't get many days where I feel good about myself so on the occasions when I look in the mirror and don't burst into tears, I like to take a photo to remind myself that I too can look like a mostly normal human being from time to time! So here are a few of 2015's selfies...

so that was 2015. Books, dressing up, Larnaca, Coventry, Dublin, Cork, France, Andorra, shopping, painting, packaging orders, good friends, great family, medical stuff, psychiatric stuff, airplane rides, boat journeys from hell, road trips, floods, good times and not so good ones. All in all, not a terrible year.

come on 2016, you can do better, I KNOW you can, don't let me down!

I don't have any plans for New Years Eve tomorrow night, my friends are all busy I think. I'm not sure whether or not to make an effort and leave the house, or just lock myself in my room and sleep through the midnight countdown etc. NYE isn't a great night for me to be without plans, I tend to go a bit loopy, I've no idea why but NYE just has that effect on me. It's like everything that's happened in the year comes crashing down on me and It's a bit of an emotional overload that I can't always deal with.  

I'm a bit scared to be honest, but hopefully this year I'll handle things a bit better than I did last year.

thanks for visiting, see you next year...

Merry Coolmas ♥

Hello my lovelies, Happy Xmas Eve to you wherever you may be + whatever you might be up to this evening.

If you celebrate Christmas then i'm sure you'll be spending Christmas Eve doing something festive or just relaxing with family and/or friends.

As has become tradition in recent years, I decided to have a go at a festive themed illustration. I only just finished it today, hence the Xmas Eve blog post. It's not as overtly Christmassy as some of my past designs, but here it is anyway...

She's a bit of a cool chick, hence the blog title. I drew the hair aaaaages ago, but I couldn't think of anything to go with it so I figured a christmas jumper + kilt style skirt might work. + the pattern in the background was 100% made just for this piece. I tried plain snowflakes but it didn't look right so I made more work for myself and came up with this simple little pattern instead.

There's a surprising amount of detail in this one, the Jumper has a woven fabric texture and the stripes on the skirt took quite a while to do. The hair always takes forever to edit as well, believe it or not but it's the most time consuming part of any Candy Doll illustration.

She's got a little bit of attitude to go with her ironic festive jumper + green ombre tipped ends, she's too 'cool' for Christmas. I don't know maybe she's just not that into the holiday season or something. You'd have to ask her yourself.

If she's not really feeling it this year, then she's not the only one.

This year I've been really struggling to get into the Christmas spirit. I'm not sure why as i'm usually the kind of person who starts playing Christmas music and wearing festive jumpers non-stop from December 1^st onwards. But this year it just never happened, I kept waiting for the Christmas buzz to hit, but it never did. This isn't the first time this has happened, a few years ago I was going through a rough patch and I barely celebrated at all. I refused to put up any decorations or wrap any gifts. It wasn't a great time but I thought I was past all that now. 

Apparently not. This year there's been no excitement for Christmas; for Star Wars, yes, i've been excited like you would not believe, but for Christmas... no such luck. 

decorations in the Strand shopping centre in town

 Before you start having a go at me about being ungrateful etc, i'll just stop you there because no, that's not at all what I mean.

I just think there's a lot of pressure at Christmas time to be terribly cheery and happy and FESTIVE! It's a time when you're supposed to be merry and bright, spending days with those closest to you and doing all the typical christmassy things. In the UK that usually involves copious amounts of alcohol, chocolate and cheesy television. But my family isn't really like that, i'm not sure if it's because both myself and my dad have Aspergers but we've just never been the sort of family that sits around watching TV together for hours on end. In fact we don't spend much time together at all, but that's fine, that's just how we are.

my Christmas themed vintage troll brooch

Take today for example. I've spent the entire day in my room drawing and editing + reading and listening to the 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens' score on repeat. The only times i've left my room were to get a cup of tea and walk up to check the post. My dad spent the morning in the garden before spending the afternoon watching TV by himself. And my mum... well i'm not really sure but it probably involved coffee and facebook. But like I said, that's just us, regardless of the time of year. 

I don't usually feel any pressure to get my family in one room and spend time together, I love my parents more than anything but at Christmas time I feel like there's something wrong with me for not wanting to do what 'normal' families do during the holidays. 

the christmas tree in town

Usually I don't give any of this a second thought as it's so normal, but at Christmas it seems to become all the more apparent and I know it shouldn't bother me in the slightest, but it DOES, so I get all conflicted, should I make more of an effort or not? Most years it's the former, I go all out, christmas music blaring from my room, decorations everywhere, trips out to fairs, family shopping excursions and the like. This year it's the latter I think. 

decorations in Coventry City Centre

I'm just not feeling it for some reason. It may as well be any other day of the year. Don't get me wrong, I might not be running around singing carols and throwing glitter, but I still LOVE getting presents for people, choosing gifts and wrapping them up. But this year i've been struggling finacially and it's gotten me kind of down because I can't afford to buy my friends and family the sorts of gifts I want to. It's silly I know, and gifts aren't the be all and end all of the festive season but still.

It's a daft thing to get low about but my mum arranged all of our xmas gifts earlier and it upset me to see the tiny pile of gifts they each have from me. All I can think is that next year I have to get a job so that I can give them a better Christmas. 

she'll read this and come and tell me to stop being a daft sod, but I can't help but feel guilty. My family all do so much for me, it upsets me that I can't treat them to heaps of lovely things.

my 'christmas' outfit

and on that note I have NO idea what my original point was. I went off on a tangent there somewhere, so it's probably best if I call it a day. 

thanks for reading, I'll try and get another post in before 2016 starts, it will probably be Star Wars themed, so i'm just warning you now...

Merry Christmas to YOU

Now you know ♥

Hello dearhearts!

This post might come across as a bit unusual to some of you, and I aplogise in advance but there's something i've been wanting to write about for quite some time and i'm going to do it right now. So to lighten the mood, i'm filling this post with some of my own illustrations from the past few years! So if you can't be bothered to read, at least you'll have some pretty pictures to look at.

'Sugar Skull'

Now then, as i've mentioned many, MANY times over the years, I happen to live on a lovely little island in the middle of the Irish Sea, called the Isle of Man.

I know that quite a few of my readers are local, in which case... some of you may have heard me on Manx Radio yesterday afternoon!

You might have been a little surprised to hear me sounding so chipper and bright, you might have been even more surprised to hear what I had to say during my time on air...

A few weeks ago I was invited onto the Women Today show to talk about my art, how I create, what motivates me etc. Obviously I was super excited about this opportunity, Manx Radio is on 24/7 in our house (seriously!) and i've been interviewed maybe 4 or 5 times over the years, usually for craft fairs and art exhibitions. So I was thrilled at the thought of getting to take part in an hour long show, especially one geared toward female opinions and women's issues. GIRL POWER or what?!

'Selfie Queen'

Anyway, the show was live and on air yesterday from 2-3pm and I had A LOT of fun chatting with Beth, Jo and Kate, the three lovely presenters. If you know me in real life (lucky YOU if you do) then you'd probably think i'd just go on the show and ramble on about drawings and pastel colours and books and netflix... which I did do. But I also went on and talked mostly about art and Aspergers.

Because if you DID hear the show (if you didn't, you can give it a listen right HERE the show kicks in properly around the 6 minute mark if you want to skip ahead) then you will now know that I was recently diagnosed with Aspergers myself.

SURPRISE!

'Do Not Disturb'

Those of you that are regular readers of the blog may or may not know that since February 2014 I have been receiving treatment and medication for ongoing depression and anxiety. It's been a big help getting some proper treatment after so many years of trying to deal with things myself. I've been to all sorts of group sessions and have filled in lots of questionnaires and quotients to try and find out what exactly I 'have'. Well now I know.

Initially, my psychiatrist speculated that I might have Borderline Personality Disorder but this was a diagnosis I disagreed with, I didn't feel that I ticked enough of the boxes to warrant having BPD. But then one day my CBT therapist turned around and said 'what do you know about Aspergers?'. I didn't know very much and when I asked him why he said 'because I think you have it'.And it turns out that he was right.

'Pretty in Pink'

It has all been a bit of a revelation to be honest. Since then i've read several books on Aspergers + dozens of articles and publications sourced online, and before my diagnosis, the more I read about it the more positive I was that it all pertained to me. I've briefly touched on my battles with mental illness in the past, but never in any real depth. I try to keep this blog a happy place full of bright colours and nice things; but it's true that the reason my intrepid blogging ambitions have waned in recent years is because i've been dealing with depression, anxiety and self-harm.

'Just Can't Get Enough'

I'm not ashamed to talk about this now. It used to bother me quite a lot, I felt like everyone could either see what was wrong with me and would judge me for it, or that no-one could see it at all, so that when I did eventually speak up and say 'I need help', nobody would believe me because I looked 'fine'. But then isn't one of the worst things about mental illness the fact that it is often an invisible illness?! If you told someone you had a broken arm they'd never tell you to 'pull yourself together' or 'stop feeling sorry for yourself', so why should comments like that be an acceptable reply when someone admits that they're depressed or dealing with anxiety. They're not, obviously, but some people still seem to think it's okay to say things like that when confronted with mental illness.

'Summertime'

Fortunately i've not had to deal with too much of that sort of thing, my friends and family have all been incredibly supportive throughout everything. And I find that usually when you do tell someone that you're receiving treatment, they often surprise you by admitting that they (or someone close to them) has dealt with similar issues. Early on there were of course those who refused to accept that anything was really 'wrong', emphatically pushing various self-help CDs and apps on me each time I confessed to feeling low. But after a while as I was prescribed more and more meds and as the visible scars became more numerous, people seemed to realise that maybe this wasn't the 'it will go away by itself' kind of problem.

Since my Aspergers diagnosis in August, i've only told a few people, friends and family close to me. Which begs the question, WHY did I decide to talk about it live on the radio. All I can say is that I guess there's no better way to 'come out' (as it were) as an Aspie, than on national radio on a Monday afternoon!

'Candy Queen'

Since the show aired, i've had people messaging me telling me how 'brave' I was to talk so openly about my troubles on the air. But I don't feel particularly brave, i'm just being honest after all. There's still such a stigma attached to mental illness that we're simply not always used to hearing or reading about it so candidly, so when someone does turn round and say 'this is what's wrong with me, but I embrace it' people aren't quite sure what to do or say.

Now some people might have heard the show yesterday and thought, 'gosh Aspergers, how terrible for her' or something along the lines of 'wow, she must be REALLY weird' in which case, no it's not terrible and yes of course i'm weird! Who on earth wants to be normal?! But then I went on to talk about how positive I think it is, how I see it as a 'gift' and that it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Because it isn't!

'Love is the Drug'

I mean it's not like I can help it, any of it. I didn't wake up one morning aged thirteen and think 'oh i'll be depressed or anxious today' or decide as a child that being 'normal' wasn't for me. Until I started high school I didn't even realise there was really anything 'wrong' with me, and i'm still not sure that there actually is. I'm the way I am and that's that. I can't switch it off even if I can sometimes hide it away, but however much I feel the need to pretend or 'fit in', i'm always going to be this way, regardless of what people think or say.

I'm fortunate as well that a few of the more typical Aspergers traits, mainly concerning social skills and recognizing emotions in others, aren't things I really have difficulties with. It seems that a lifetime of observing and imitating others' behaviour has helped me to adapt better and 'blend in'. That makes me sound like some sort of hideous alien infiltrating humanity! But it's a good thing, I think, it means that although I might sometimes come across a bit blunt or unsympathetic, I can ultimately hold a normal conversation with someone and recognize when someone else is sad/happy/annoyed etc.

'Pretty as a Picture'

If any of that sounds odd to you, and you're wondering how someone could possibly NOT recognize basic social skills or emotions in others, then that probably means you don't have Aspergers! I don't have a problem with talking to people or 'putting myself in their shoes' as it were, however other traits of Aspergers syndrome can be frustrating and difficult to overcome.

I'm very sensitive to sounds, for example, I often have to carry earbud headphones with me when i'm out in a busy place as the overstimulation of sounds can spark off a sort of panic attack where i'm likely to end up crying hysterically. Fortunately it doesn't happen very often but when it does it is, to put it bluntly, 'a pain in the arse'. Especially when it happens in a busy shop/cafe/swimming pool. But it's something I can and do work on, luckily it's quite a minor inconvenience compared to some other typical Aspie issues.

'Buzz Buzz'

Ironically as well, despite the fact that I can often pick up on delicate emotional imbalances in others, i'm almost completely clueless when it comes to my own emotional states. I can tell you what a stranger across the room is feeling (and get it spot on) but if you ask me how I really 'feel' i'll probably stare at you blankly while trying to come up with an answer. It's massively frustrating to be stymied by your own brain when you're trying to make things better!

It's funny as well because these are things i've dealt with all my life but i've only just been given a reason for them. I know that some people don't want any labels but finding out about the whole Aspergers thing has made it so much easier to understand why some things are so easy and others are so incredibly daunting. Public speaking, going on the radio, teaching a class... that's fine, i'll do it with a smile on my face; but ask me to make a phone-call or catch a bus and i'll probably fall to pieces.

'Go Away'

As I only received my diagnosis a few months ago, i'm still learning about it and coming to terms with it + what it really means to be an Aspie. But it many ways i'm relieved to finally have an answer to so many of the questions i've had all my life.

So I want to thank the lovely ladies at Women Today for inviting me on the show and giving me the opportunity to talk not only about my art, but about some of the struggles i've had and to open up a bit about Aspergers. So THANK you!!!

oh and if you did listen to the show and you heard the description of my outfit and you're wondering what the mermaid skirt looks like...

me!!!

there you go! (and yes, I know that the mirror is in desperate need of a clean!!!)

so on that note, i'll say goodbye for now.

naturally you can expect more Aspie themed posts in the future! Well now that the cat is out of the bag it would be rude not to keep going on about it...

by the way, if any of you have any questions about anything I talked about on the radio yesterday or touched upon in this post, you can leave a comment below, send me an email or private message me on facebook, twitter or instagram if you don't want a public chat, and I will of course reply.

so until next time, thanks for visiting, come back soon.

Older and Wiser ❤

hello dearhearts, here I am, back at last from my travels! I actually got back late Thursday night but i've been so busy with appointments and stuff i've only just found time to sit down and work on a little blog post to share with you all.

in case you don't keep up with me on social media, let me tell you that yesterday was my 24th Birthday!

Shoot by Laura Stolfi

I spent all day yesterday out with my closest friends in the South of the Island (which made a nice change seeing as I live in the North and rarely get to visit the South any more). I don't really have any photos of the evening out in Port Erin but it was lots of fun, even though it was cold and raining! I'm lucky that they were all kind enough to come out for a few drinks and some food on my Birthday-Eve.

one of my birthday cards, since i'll never really grow up!

I know that to most people Birthdays can be quite a big deal but I come from a family where it's usually 'just another day', we don't really go out for Birthday celebrations or throw parties (I had parties when I was a child but as i've gotten older, Birthday's have become less of a big deal). I don't mind this though, as long as I get a cake, i'll spend the day doing whatever!

this year's delicious Birthday Cake + glitter crown!

I'm sure i'm not the only one that feels this way, but I can often find Birthday days to be a little overwhelming, when family and friends call or demand I make 'proper' plans and expect me to spend the day doing things. I have been known to lock myself in my room on May 31st and refuse to answer any phonecalls or open any presents until later in the day or the evening. I'm not sure why but the stress or expectations of the day can get to me and spark off some anxiety or panic.

a lovely colouring book gift from my friend Simon

 But this year I didn't have any of that! Which was brilliant. In fact NO-ONE called me all day (it was so great!) and I only got one text message. I woke up and had chocolate for breakfast (as is tradition on both Birthday and Christmas) and opened some really lovely gifts, then I spent the entire day in my room reading my new books + listening to music and editing a new illustration. Just another day...

the beautiful book my sister Nicky gave me

Seeing as it was my Birthday and i'm now a 24-year-old (which is scary) I thought i'd take a moment to look back on the past year and some of it's ups and downs! As per usual it's been a mixed year, sad times and happy times and some times in between.

lots of goodies from my friend Lorna including 30 rainbow bouncy balls!

 Since I lost my wonderful job last June, I've been in a constant state of flux, darting from one thing to the other, coming up with and discarding new ideas on a daily basis. I still miss the Family Library more than anything but I try to keep myself busy and relatively structured; spending my time at home trying to build up my online profile and promote my etsy shop via social media every day. As you know I also started painting again and i'm always working on new products for my shop. I'm not making a 'living' per se but i'm trundling along, doing my best.

one of my more unusual Birthday cards!

 It's not where I saw myself being in 2015 when I celebrated my Birthday this time last year, I figured i'd still be employed for one thing, hopefully in my own Flat at long last, maybe learning to drive, who knows. But in the immortal words of the Rolling Stones, 'you can't always get what you want'! So here I am, back where I was a few years ago only now I don't have the excuse of being a college student. It's frustrating of course, I know where I 'want' to be, but like most people, don't necessarily know how to get there. But I intend to figure it out, eventually.

Star Wars Birthday gifts from others and from me!

It's been difficult coming to terms with some of the changes this past year has brought, i've lost a lot of my already ramshackle independence (no steady income means no apartment in town) but by letting myself be cared for by family and friends i've realised that it's not a bad thing to ask for help, there's no shame in needing someone to lend a helping hand or to just sit and listen for a little while.

the lovely Danish watch Mama Boylan gave me.

It doesn't do well to dwell on the negatives, I know that only too well, so let's look at the positives!

Some Highlights of the past year include:

• Reading and devouring book after book from my 'to be read' pile (currently on number 46 of my Goodreads reading challenge).
• Lovely holidays away in Cyprus, Andorra, France, Spain and trips to see family in the UK.
• The helpful support and treatment for my ongoing Depression and Personality Disorder.
• Lots of evening trips to the Movies with my best friends.
• Fun days out with my little cousin Sienna.
• Heaps of unnecessary cheap retail therapy via Ebay (no-one needs inflatable flamingo cup holders from China, but that did not stop me).
• Creating brand new rainbow haired ladies for the Candy Doll Club.
• Some nice new products for my shop and an increase in UK sales.
• Watching my two beautiful nieces continue to grow into incredible young women.
• Working on some new paintings for no reason other than that I want to paint.
• Adding to my ever growing 'desk collection' of random bits n' bobs.
• Making new friends on the island + lots of new internet friends as well.
• Getting new international sales to countries I haven't sent stuff to before.
• Treating myself to Ghostbusters Lego (not even kidding, one of the best parts of 2014!)
• Gaining new followers online and reaching 14.7k followers on Pinterest.
• Finally getting back in touch with long lost friends, because life really is too short not to!

an entire set of beautiful Nausicaa Manga from my friend Danny

May 2014-15 has been a mixed bag but i'm another year older (definitely) and wiser (possibly) so all I can do is continue to take life one day at a time and hope for the best. As always, i'm eternally grateful to my family and friends for being so nice and supportive and brilliant and for always putting up with me no matter how much of a pain I am! I wouldn't be able to make it through some days without them, whether it's a warm hug and an assurance that things will be ok or a sarcastic message telling me to stop being a prat, they're always there for me and if you'll pardon the pun, they keep me sane.

a little graphic I whipped up for my birthday

So that's that, another year done and dusted, and only 364 days left until I turn 25, I'd better start thinking of things to fill the time! 

thanks for stopping by, i'll try to make the next post a little less serious (aka boring).

so until next time, toodle-ooh! I hope to see you again soon xX