Now you know ♥

Hello dearhearts!

This post might come across as a bit unusual to some of you, and I aplogise in advance but there's something i've been wanting to write about for quite some time and i'm going to do it right now. So to lighten the mood, i'm filling this post with some of my own illustrations from the past few years! So if you can't be bothered to read, at least you'll have some pretty pictures to look at.

'Sugar Skull'

Now then, as i've mentioned many, MANY times over the years, I happen to live on a lovely little island in the middle of the Irish Sea, called the Isle of Man.

I know that quite a few of my readers are local, in which case... some of you may have heard me on Manx Radio yesterday afternoon!

You might have been a little surprised to hear me sounding so chipper and bright, you might have been even more surprised to hear what I had to say during my time on air...

A few weeks ago I was invited onto the Women Today show to talk about my art, how I create, what motivates me etc. Obviously I was super excited about this opportunity, Manx Radio is on 24/7 in our house (seriously!) and i've been interviewed maybe 4 or 5 times over the years, usually for craft fairs and art exhibitions. So I was thrilled at the thought of getting to take part in an hour long show, especially one geared toward female opinions and women's issues. GIRL POWER or what?!

'Selfie Queen'

Anyway, the show was live and on air yesterday from 2-3pm and I had A LOT of fun chatting with Beth, Jo and Kate, the three lovely presenters. If you know me in real life (lucky YOU if you do) then you'd probably think i'd just go on the show and ramble on about drawings and pastel colours and books and netflix... which I did do. But I also went on and talked mostly about art and Aspergers.

Because if you DID hear the show (if you didn't, you can give it a listen right HERE the show kicks in properly around the 6 minute mark if you want to skip ahead) then you will now know that I was recently diagnosed with Aspergers myself.

SURPRISE!

'Do Not Disturb'

Those of you that are regular readers of the blog may or may not know that since February 2014 I have been receiving treatment and medication for ongoing depression and anxiety. It's been a big help getting some proper treatment after so many years of trying to deal with things myself. I've been to all sorts of group sessions and have filled in lots of questionnaires and quotients to try and find out what exactly I 'have'. Well now I know.

Initially, my psychiatrist speculated that I might have Borderline Personality Disorder but this was a diagnosis I disagreed with, I didn't feel that I ticked enough of the boxes to warrant having BPD. But then one day my CBT therapist turned around and said 'what do you know about Aspergers?'. I didn't know very much and when I asked him why he said 'because I think you have it'.And it turns out that he was right.

'Pretty in Pink'

It has all been a bit of a revelation to be honest. Since then i've read several books on Aspergers + dozens of articles and publications sourced online, and before my diagnosis, the more I read about it the more positive I was that it all pertained to me. I've briefly touched on my battles with mental illness in the past, but never in any real depth. I try to keep this blog a happy place full of bright colours and nice things; but it's true that the reason my intrepid blogging ambitions have waned in recent years is because i've been dealing with depression, anxiety and self-harm.

'Just Can't Get Enough'

I'm not ashamed to talk about this now. It used to bother me quite a lot, I felt like everyone could either see what was wrong with me and would judge me for it, or that no-one could see it at all, so that when I did eventually speak up and say 'I need help', nobody would believe me because I looked 'fine'. But then isn't one of the worst things about mental illness the fact that it is often an invisible illness?! If you told someone you had a broken arm they'd never tell you to 'pull yourself together' or 'stop feeling sorry for yourself', so why should comments like that be an acceptable reply when someone admits that they're depressed or dealing with anxiety. They're not, obviously, but some people still seem to think it's okay to say things like that when confronted with mental illness.

'Summertime'

Fortunately i've not had to deal with too much of that sort of thing, my friends and family have all been incredibly supportive throughout everything. And I find that usually when you do tell someone that you're receiving treatment, they often surprise you by admitting that they (or someone close to them) has dealt with similar issues. Early on there were of course those who refused to accept that anything was really 'wrong', emphatically pushing various self-help CDs and apps on me each time I confessed to feeling low. But after a while as I was prescribed more and more meds and as the visible scars became more numerous, people seemed to realise that maybe this wasn't the 'it will go away by itself' kind of problem.

Since my Aspergers diagnosis in August, i've only told a few people, friends and family close to me. Which begs the question, WHY did I decide to talk about it live on the radio. All I can say is that I guess there's no better way to 'come out' (as it were) as an Aspie, than on national radio on a Monday afternoon!

'Candy Queen'

Since the show aired, i've had people messaging me telling me how 'brave' I was to talk so openly about my troubles on the air. But I don't feel particularly brave, i'm just being honest after all. There's still such a stigma attached to mental illness that we're simply not always used to hearing or reading about it so candidly, so when someone does turn round and say 'this is what's wrong with me, but I embrace it' people aren't quite sure what to do or say.

Now some people might have heard the show yesterday and thought, 'gosh Aspergers, how terrible for her' or something along the lines of 'wow, she must be REALLY weird' in which case, no it's not terrible and yes of course i'm weird! Who on earth wants to be normal?! But then I went on to talk about how positive I think it is, how I see it as a 'gift' and that it's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Because it isn't!

'Love is the Drug'

I mean it's not like I can help it, any of it. I didn't wake up one morning aged thirteen and think 'oh i'll be depressed or anxious today' or decide as a child that being 'normal' wasn't for me. Until I started high school I didn't even realise there was really anything 'wrong' with me, and i'm still not sure that there actually is. I'm the way I am and that's that. I can't switch it off even if I can sometimes hide it away, but however much I feel the need to pretend or 'fit in', i'm always going to be this way, regardless of what people think or say.

I'm fortunate as well that a few of the more typical Aspergers traits, mainly concerning social skills and recognizing emotions in others, aren't things I really have difficulties with. It seems that a lifetime of observing and imitating others' behaviour has helped me to adapt better and 'blend in'. That makes me sound like some sort of hideous alien infiltrating humanity! But it's a good thing, I think, it means that although I might sometimes come across a bit blunt or unsympathetic, I can ultimately hold a normal conversation with someone and recognize when someone else is sad/happy/annoyed etc.

'Pretty as a Picture'

If any of that sounds odd to you, and you're wondering how someone could possibly NOT recognize basic social skills or emotions in others, then that probably means you don't have Aspergers! I don't have a problem with talking to people or 'putting myself in their shoes' as it were, however other traits of Aspergers syndrome can be frustrating and difficult to overcome.

I'm very sensitive to sounds, for example, I often have to carry earbud headphones with me when i'm out in a busy place as the overstimulation of sounds can spark off a sort of panic attack where i'm likely to end up crying hysterically. Fortunately it doesn't happen very often but when it does it is, to put it bluntly, 'a pain in the arse'. Especially when it happens in a busy shop/cafe/swimming pool. But it's something I can and do work on, luckily it's quite a minor inconvenience compared to some other typical Aspie issues.

'Buzz Buzz'

Ironically as well, despite the fact that I can often pick up on delicate emotional imbalances in others, i'm almost completely clueless when it comes to my own emotional states. I can tell you what a stranger across the room is feeling (and get it spot on) but if you ask me how I really 'feel' i'll probably stare at you blankly while trying to come up with an answer. It's massively frustrating to be stymied by your own brain when you're trying to make things better!

It's funny as well because these are things i've dealt with all my life but i've only just been given a reason for them. I know that some people don't want any labels but finding out about the whole Aspergers thing has made it so much easier to understand why some things are so easy and others are so incredibly daunting. Public speaking, going on the radio, teaching a class... that's fine, i'll do it with a smile on my face; but ask me to make a phone-call or catch a bus and i'll probably fall to pieces.

'Go Away'

As I only received my diagnosis a few months ago, i'm still learning about it and coming to terms with it + what it really means to be an Aspie. But it many ways i'm relieved to finally have an answer to so many of the questions i've had all my life.

So I want to thank the lovely ladies at Women Today for inviting me on the show and giving me the opportunity to talk not only about my art, but about some of the struggles i've had and to open up a bit about Aspergers. So THANK you!!!

oh and if you did listen to the show and you heard the description of my outfit and you're wondering what the mermaid skirt looks like...

me!!!

there you go! (and yes, I know that the mirror is in desperate need of a clean!!!)

so on that note, i'll say goodbye for now.

naturally you can expect more Aspie themed posts in the future! Well now that the cat is out of the bag it would be rude not to keep going on about it...

by the way, if any of you have any questions about anything I talked about on the radio yesterday or touched upon in this post, you can leave a comment below, send me an email or private message me on facebook, twitter or instagram if you don't want a public chat, and I will of course reply.

so until next time, thanks for visiting, come back soon.

So Long 2014 ❤

Hello dearhearts, Christmas has been and gone for another year and now we turn our selves towards the imminent New Year ready to see what 2015 will bring to us all (hoverboards hopefully).

I for one am fairly happy to say goodbye to 2014, it's been a bumpy year for me, lots of tears along with times of laughter, some ups and even more downs. So I thought I might take some time to look back over the year and share a bit of it with you all.

To kick off the post, here's a recent illustration I did...

 In case you can't tell, it's supposed to be me, only as a member of the Candy Doll Club. I've never been very good at making my girls actually look like real people but I tried to make this one resemble me (although i'll admit I was very forgiving at times with the design!) so there you go, something vagulely resembling what it's supposed to look like, just like all of my work.


So what else have I been up to this year? Well do please allow me to tell you via the magic of bullet points!

 in 2014 I...

• started the year with an amazing job as an assistant Librarian at a really lovely Library
• slowly but surely continued to unravel mentally (as i'd been doing for the last ten years) resulting in the inevitable need for actual treatment and medication
• carried on working and socialising with real people
• dressed up as Mary Poppins and got to hold a real live Owl
• got to spend some time with my amazing nieces
• kept taking the many prescribed pills
• tried to keep calm and carry on
• failed miserably and got signed off from work indefinitely
• cried 
• read some books
• bought a lot of crap I really didn't need
• began to enjoy creating again, painted, produced new work, started to feel a lot better
• found out my contract had been terminated and suddenly lost aforementioned amazing job
• spiralled lower and lower and lower and lower and lower and lower
• moved out of my flatshare in town
• moved back home with my very generous and nice and understanding parents
• read some more books
• spent over two weeks indoors without leaving the house once (i'm not proud, but it happened)
• cried
• watched more than my money's worth of netflix
• ate my way through more pizza and popcorn than is ever necessary
• started writing a book
• gave up on that and started writing another book instead
• realised how ruddy difficult it is to write a book
• read a LOT more books
• spent way too much money on Ghostbuster Lego (so worth it though!)
• only left the house for appointments and trips to the cinema
• tried to get old job back
• failed to get old job back
• continued trying to keep calm and carry on
• failed miserably once again
• cried
• went for long rambling walks alone (*sad violin music*) 
• went for long rambling walks with friends and had stick and conker fights
• lost touch with new friends while reconnecting with old ones
• truly learned who my real friends are (dramatic pause)
• visited my fabulous nieces again and again
• read even more books
• ate too much chocolate
• cried
• dressed up as a Ghostbuster
• painted and drew and designed and sewed and created
• cried
• ate more pizza
• read all the books
• wrote this blog post

so yeah, that's pretty much it. 2014 in a slightly unstable nutshell. If You know me in real life then you might have already heard about some of the ups and downs i've had this year, but if you don't know me 'irl' then I guess now you know a bit more about me than you did before!

so THANKS for listening/reading new found friend! (oh look it's my face!)

but hey let's not dwell on those silly negatives, oh no, for there have been many positives this year, none more fulfilling than my ongoing attempts at illustrating ladies with colourful hair and painting them onto bits of wood, but other than that one of the main things that has kept me going this year has been my ever growing 'to read' pile of books.

as I often mention on here, i'm rather fond of reading (understatement!) and for the past few years i've tried to challenge myself to read as many books as I can in the space of a year.

Well last year I set a challenge of 50 books... but by NYE i'd only managed 42 (boo!)

so this year I thought i'd better up the ante and on January 1st I set myself the challenge of reading 100 books before 2015, keeping track of them all via Goodreads.

I'm happy to report that this year i've read 116 books (yay!) and i'm currently on the 117th which I will no doubt finish at some point tonight or tomorrow (I actually surpassed the challenge about a month ago, only when I hit 100 books I decided to try and push to 111 instead).

Right about now i'm thinking I should probably have pushed to 120 but i've run out of time and although I do love to read if I overdo it I tend to give myself vile headaches and that's not really how I want to see in the New Year tomorrow night thank you very much!
no i'll no doubt be seeing it alone wrapped in several blankets surrounded by chocolates and toffees and of course, books.

I've ready some really teriffic books this year and I thought it might be nice to share a few of them with you all.

Now i've never been any good at writing reviews for books as often once i've read a novel it grows to exist tightly inside my mind and I struggle to explain it to people without rambling or giving away the plot. So these 5 books rated particularly highly for me this year, they kept me gripped and continue to stick out in my mind and so I can only recommend them to you purely on that basis along with a sentence or two!

The Martian – Andy Weir – 2011 – if you like Space, science and sarcasm then read this book. Very funny, very clever and very gripping! That's all i have to say, it's really good, read it.

Ready Player One – Ernest Cline – 2011 – Packed with more 80's Pop Culture references than you can even begin to comprehend, perfect for anyone who likes movies, music, tv shows, video games or the 80's (So basically everyone!).

The Girl With All The Gifts – M. R. Carey – 2014 – A clever twist on the Zombie genre this one's a Zombie story like no other, really heartbreaking stuff. Dark, chilling and undeniably haunting. Will probably stay on your mind long after the last page.

Red Rising – Pierce Brown – 2014 – Dystopian civilization, a cruel ruling upper class, the planet Mars, rebel uprisings and rebellion along with lashings of greek mythology and heaps of fierce combat and savage brutality. It's hard to describe this book but it's brilliant! It's like Dune meets the Hunger Games with parts of Brave New World and Ender's Game sprinkled in for good measure. Cannot wait for the next book in the series!

Good Omens – Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett – 1990 – The end of the world is nigh and now it's down to angel turned book seller Aziraphale and too-cool-for-his-own-good demon Crowley along with a host of other brilliant (and hilarious) characters to find and stop the antichrist before he tries to destroy the world! Also, let me say that I am appalled it took me this long to actually get myself a copy and read it, i mean i was born in 1991 the year after this came out but still, that's 23 years i've neglected to read it! But take it from me that this book is great and that it will make you laugh your socks off!

if you're particularly nosy and you would like to see the full list of all 116 books i've read so far, click HERE, some of the books on the list are actually dreadful but some are utterly marvellous!

ironically enough the book i'm currently reading (and subsequently the last book i'll read this year) is Then We Came To The End - Joshua Ferris which was honestly a total coincidence but seems like the perfectly titled book to see the year out with!
 
next year i'm wondering if i should set the goal at 150 and see what happens! I already have a teetering pile of books to read and i'm eager to get cracking so roll on 2015, let's read ALL THE BOOKS!!!

and on that note, i'm going to sign off for today. This is the point where i should probably make a lot of promises I won't keep about how i intent to blog more next year and post better content etc blah blah blah. But i'm not going to do that.

I will try to blog more frequently but that's about as much as I can offer, so until next time, or in this case next year, so long and thanks for reading

and I would also like to wish you the Happiest of New Years tomorrow evening, however you do or do not decide to spend it!